Gary NightWagon's Total Body Recovery Program

So recently I had the genius idea to go buy some weights and a weight bench. I found a hot commercial bench thingy that will do incline, decline, bench, and military press. The only bad part is that sitting on the couch eating butterfingers doesn't make you any stronger....I have to actually go out there and use it.

Luckily I live with a crazy man named Raymond "Scratch" Waterhorse. You all know him as the bassist for such bands as Gorilla Goodbody, The Nashville Rejects, New Normal, Britney Spears, and lets not forget the Lake Bowen FishCamp Boyz. Anywho, Scratch has been waking up at 6 am everyday to work out and I told him the Secret Combination which is guaranteed to wake me up. 70% of the time it works every time. The first couple times Scratch came in my room to wake me up I had a completely normal conversation with him explaining the many reasons why I couldn't work out....the only problem was that I was completely asleep. I have had this gift for many years. I discovered it in high school when my parents would "wake me up" then go to work and I would sleep until they returned home at 5 pm. But it wasn't my fault...I wasn't awake at all. That's when the Secret Combination was created by Freida Ridings.

Meow, I have never told anyone of the Combo b/c I hate being woken up. Until now. I believe the world is ready. It consists of 3 easy steps:

1. Turn fan off

2. Pull covers off and throw them on the floor

3. Turn light on as you are leaving


Oh it hurts to even write it. I hate the Combo. There is no way I can fall back asleep once these steps have been followed correctly. Scratch is finding out the hard way that I am a very convincing sleep talker (oh yeah....to wake me up there must be no talking by the waker upper...I will try to engage you in conversation but my only goal is to get you to do three things:

1. Turn fan back on

2. Pick up my covers and tuck them around me

3. Turn light off and quietly leave my room


Sweet Willy has actually believed me and done those three things but he is learning. I am only trying to manipulate him with my kindness (this morning i told him a long story about how I had to be somewhere at 7 am so I couldn't work out.....all lies and all in my sleep).

Freida went the extra mile and would throw in a piano solo (the huge grand piano we had in our house growing up was right next to my bedroom door so Mom would play Music Box Dancer until I awoke. That is a great song but I hate it now). Or she'd turn on Woody Wood Pecker which is my weakness. I have to get up and watch it. Yes I loved/love that cartoon. Oh Mom, you are so cruel. But nothing on earth will wake me, not even come close, except the Secret Combo.

So, Willy (Scratch), Brent (Chingy), Bruce (Papa Bear), and I have been pumping iron at 6 am. I hate it and love it. I'm also working out with Tim (Reginald BearingsWorth) at 4 every day plus I have the magic Ridings/Morris man-gene that allows me to be sloppy and out of shape one minute then 3 weeks later I am ripped and huge. I wanted to bench 275 by the end of the month and i did it today. I owe it all to the Gary NightWagon Total Body Recovery Program. But then Chuck, my 42 year old BFF, who is out of shape, has high cholesterol, and wears pleated blue jeans, benched 225. He hasn't lifted one weight in 19 years. It wasn't fair.

Nonetheless I am glad that I am actually using the weights and getting to hang out with some dudes with weird names. My goal is to be one of those nasty guys in the magazines who is super huge and ugly and disgustingly muscular. Oh wait, no, I just want to be able to show up young punks when I am 42 and have a toupee.