Now Accepting Applications

I've decided it is time to begin accepting applications for my next potential girl friend. I am tired of the traditional "meet someone face to face then ask them out" thing...I figure that an interview process is much better. I thought for a while about how to best go about this and this is what I came up with:

First there will be a Pre Relationship Assessment Test (shown below) that must be completed. If you score within the designated parameters then next we'll do a few rounds of physical fitness tests that will include but will not be limited to your 40 time, Volkswagen press max, tire throw, Vienna Sausage eating contest, shin kicking abilities, and refrigerator tossing. Next will be a spelling bee then a debate against Freida Ridings on the subject "Email vs. Snail Mail and the Effects of Technology on the Post Office in the 21st Century". If you make it out of that alive then you will be forced to ride to Myrtle Beach with Ron Ridings driving without going completely crazy (he drives 55 mph the entire time and stops at every possible antique store, yard sale, or farmers market along the way turning a 4 hour drive into an 18 hour extravaganza). These tests will insure your physical and mental strength, which are essential requirements of being my arm candy.

If any applicant actually finishes this month long test then my sister will be in charge of picking the lucky winner since she is the most normal human being on the face of the earth. I figure she can spot the crazies. So, without further adieu, I give you the Pre Relationship Assessment.

Pre Relationship Assessment
(anyone who has played softball competitively, has ever had a mustache, owns over seven Vera Bradley bags, or has sunglasses that are over 8" in diameter per eye need not apply)

The following Questions are Yes/No (each worth 50 pts)

1. Can a man ever win an argument?

2. Are girls mostly illogical?

3. Is Joel a book of the Bible? If yes, for extra points, name the books before and after Joel.

4. Do you love to vacuum?

5. Are you in excess of 6' tall? If yes are you opposed to deheightening surgery?


The Following Questions are multiple choice:

1. Hypothetical Question: Let's say our 6 month anniversary is this weekend and I just got free tickets to see my favorite band on the same night. Do you:

A) Let me go....no strings attached. (100 pts)

B) Let me go but call me every 5 minutes to let me know you "love me". (3 pts)

C) Let me go with the full intent of passive aggressively reminding me daily that I shouldn't have gone. (-2 pts)

D) Don't let me go and make me commit to going on a date with you which you cancel at the last minute to hang out with your friend who just came into town. (-1000 pts)


2. We're hungry. You want to eat at:

A) Jason's Deli (0 pts)

B) Justin's Steak House (-100 pts. unless you pay which is +1000 pts)

C) Monterreys (100 pts)

D) The Beacon (1000000000 pts)


3. I haven't showered in a few days. You:

A) Are disgusted (0 pts)

B) Don't care (10 pts)

C) Make me ride in the trunk of your car (50 pts for having standards)

D) Don't even know b/c you haven't showered in weeks (-1000 pts for being gross. Only I can not shower....you need to smell good)


The Following Questions Are Either/Or

1. What makes you happier? Polka Dots or Football

2. Whats More Boring? Baseball or Any Story About Your Day

3. What's your stance on male body hair? The More the Better (that's the only logical answer)


Final Questions:

If you TiVo any of the following shows deduct 100 points per show:

1. Gilmore Girls
2. What Not To Wear
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Grey's Anatomy
5. The OC
6. Laguna Beach
7. Hanging With Mr Cooper
8. Harry and the Hendersons
9. Amazing Race

If you TiVo any of the following shows add 100 points per show:

1. Colbert Report
2. Full House
3. Seinfeld
4. Cash Cab
5. How It's Made
6. Man Vs Wild
7. Friends
8. Arrested Development
9. Dirty Jobs
10. Sports Center
11. Fresh Prince


If you own or love the following movie(s) deduct 1000 pts per movie

1. 27 Dresses
2. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
3. 13 Going On 30
4. Sweet Home Alabama
5. Steel Magnolias
6. Sleepless in Seattle
7. Anything with Bette Midler, Beonce, or Dolly Pardon in it


If you own or love the following movie(s) add 10000000 pts per movie

1. Ace Ventura
2. Dumb and Dumber
3. Dirty Work
4. Big Daddy
5. Anchorman
6. Good Will Hunting
7. Beauty and the Beast
8. Pride and Prejudice (the new one. old one deduct 10000 pts)
9. Happy Gilmore
10. Big Labowski
11. GroundHog Day
12. Home Alone 1 & 2
13. 13 going on 30 (how did that get on there)


If you can tell me where these quotes come from then you are awarded extra points (if you do not know please google or youtube them b/c you are depraved):

"Harry, I took Care of It"

"I had a doll like that once but my cat bit it's head off"

"We got stuff dumped on us/we'll never live it down/our reputations are ruined"

"You must be girls"

"Candy Mountain Charlie, Candy Mountain"

"This is Ned Schnebly"

"Ned Ryerson: Look out for that first step....it's a doosey"

"But Mooooooooooooom"


Final Question:

Do You Like Country Music?

A) Yes (No)
B) No (Yes)
C) Only stuff before before '95. Seminole Wind, Chattahoochee, Blue Moon, and Meet in the Middle are my favorites. (Yes)
D) Only new stuff. Kenny Chesney, Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood (Nope)
E) This is a trick question.....Country Music is an oxymoron (you're a dork. C was correct)


Once You have finished the Pre Relationship Assessment please turn your papers face down and feel free to talk about how awesome Hope Point is, what a great man Jack Black is, how much you love church softball, how guitar players are hot, and how eating vegetables is overrated. Thanks for participating.