Look Out Lazy, Fat Guys

After hearing the huge news that Tiger Woods will be out the rest of the year due to reconstructive ACL surgery I decided to hit the course yesterday to fill the void that Tiger has left. I have never heard of any other golfer ever, which means they're no good right? Right, duh. I've played golf about 4 times (maybe) and 3 of those were Par 3's. But all you got to do is wear a pair of goofy pants, be fat, and put the ball in the hole. That's what the one other golfer I know said - Happy Gilmore.

Since I have dominated one old fat man sport, softball, I figured it's time to conquer another. So I am now a golfer. I shot a 47 on 9 holes which is a few under par, I believe. Maybe not. All I know is that I am going to go ahead and join the Golf Tour Thingy as soon as possible...maybe this weekend. There's tons of money to be had (doesn't Tiger make like $20 million a year and all the other guys make about $30,000 a year? Like I noted earlier....I don't think they're any good).

My friend Nic Lane and I played in Greenville. I used his clubs ( I had to rent a putter), balls, tees...ummmm, pretty much I showed up to the course with a Chick-Fil-A sandwich. Nic is the man. I lost tons of balls, almost hit a little girl that was 2 holes over, and can't putt to save my life. But Nic let me tee off three of four times on every hole and putt as many times as I wanted. It really was fun. I actually made a birdie (that's apparently when you get the ball in the hole with 1 less stroke than you are allowed).

Quick name 3 golfers. See, you can't do it. I know we'll all miss Tiger but don't worry...soon you'll be able to name 2 golfers: Tiger and Putty McLambshanks (that's my professional golf name).

The Tucker/Ridings Sessions

Lately Shag and I have been writing some songs together. We started writing joke songs for our friends who got married then we worked on some worship music together. Turns out we write pretty well together. And Willy is there to tell the jokes, get the ladies, and lay down a sick bass line. Anywho, we have a 4 song EP that will be finished this summer (I hope) but we have a problem: we have no name.

I am being completely serious when I ask for your help. I know y'all are creative. All the names we have thought of were either taken or we didn't love them so we need you to think of a band name for us.

The winner will get to spend a day in the life of Willy Tucker. Who knows the shenanigans you will get into (working in a potpourri lab, listening to old records, washing your hair with horse shampoo, eating oatmeal for every meal, owning over 300 movies, telling stories that go absolutely nowhere, not listening....ever, having huge dead spaces during phone calls - pretty much being the funniest human being to ever exist). It will be a thriller of a prize.

Please submit your entries here or email me at normalridings@gmail.com. Giddy up.

All Your Base Are Belong To Us

I recently watched a video on Youtube called All Your Base Belong To Us and I have to admit, it's pretty weird but I loved it. That is not a typo. It is from a Japanese video game that, in a rush to get it to America, was translated straight from Japanese, bad grammar and all. It is completely ridiculous. People who spend way too much time on the internet have made it a huge underground hit. That got me thinking about some other videos.

I spend too much time around weird people who show me weird videos on YouTube. But you know what, it's time everyone experiences the greatness of things like homestar, the grape lady, candy mountain, Charlie biting people, Afro ninja, and dramatic chipmunk, Leprechaun, and Whistle Tips. Oh yeah, let's not forget RickRolled. You will be able to detect your nerdom based on your like or dislike of these videos.

To be honest I now realize how old I am b/c I just heard of All Your Bass Are Belong To Us. It's been out for a year or more. Man! I am falling behind. Things like mortgages and babysitting are getting in the way of prime internet searching time. Back in the day I saw this stuff the day it came out. Are my friends getting more normal? Am I getting more normal??? I'm with Ben Folds on this one...it's stinks to grow up.

So, please enjoy these videos. If you haven't been to Homestarrunner before (shame on you) you need to spend 7-10 good hours watching the emails, toons, shorts, and what-not. Anything with Strong Sad or Homesar is perfect. The funny thing about these silly videos is they give you a secret language to like minded people. I talked to a waiter last week only in Strong Bad quotes. It was amazing.

Since I am now a geezer, will you please keep me informed by letting me know about the next underground hit. I want to be an early adopter again (a cool person would never use that phrase).

Dewayned!

In today's edition of "Let's Shatter Everyone's Dreams," The Consumerist reveals that the new, cheaper 3G iPhone is actually substantially more expensive in the long run than the original $399 iPhone.

(this text is from www.relevantmagazine.com)

I have a question

Is holding hands in church acceptable? I say no. What's the purpose?

Also, I am putting a stop to back rubbing, leg holding, and eye gazing during church. It's getting out of hand. You are not on a date. Stop touching and gazing, geez.

If you can't go one whole hour without contacting your significant other then I will allow you to put your arm around him/her. But anything else and I am going to get an usher to body slam you.

Consider yourself warned.

PS - I was sitting next to a couple yesterday who were holding hands and I tried to hold hands with the guy so we could be three buddies all holding hands. I wanted to be part of the group, you know? But he refused and I totally missed the point Richard was so passionately making. PDA is the devil.

Coolest Kids Ever

Last Thursday I hung out with my friends Robert, Carter, and Wynn who are the coolest guys on earth. Robert is 12, Carter is 9, and Wynn in 8 and I am their former PE teacher. Man, those were the days. I would wake up about 4 minutes before my classes started, fly to the school, and then make up some random game that they would love. You can't really mess up PE (unless a girl breaks her leg in your class and you don't believe her so you make her roll back to class...Oops).

A couple years ago I had these dudes over to my house and we played all day. Since then they've asked me everyday if they can come over again. Their parents finally gave in and they came over. It was sooooooooo much fun. I have no clue why but I love kids. Well, I love getting them sugared up, running them ragged, then handing them back over to their parents.

We got Chick-Fil-A with my roommate Shag, went bowling (i am a great bowler with gutters), went to Wal-Mart where we got TONS of candy, then came back to my house and ransacked the place. It was super awesome. I love those dudes.

So if you ever have a free day, find some overworked parents and give them a little break. Stuff is so much more fun when there are silly kids around plus they will think you are the man.

New Book

After reading about a 1200 lb man who lost 500 hundred pounds my brother in law, Kevin (Jimmy K-Co) Couch, decided he was going to write a book which will become an immediate best seller. It has one sentence:

"Stop eating, take some vitamins and metamucil, and let your body devour itself"

Maybe it was Kevin's lack of sleep due to my new niece or maybe the Ridings are a bunch of sadists but we laugh uncontrollably for a long time after this comment. What a great father's day.

Please don't mess with the Zohan.

So Adam Sandler came out with a new movie over the weekend called You Just Don't Mess With the Zohan. I need to begin by telling you that I am a huge Sandler fan. I watch Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore, Anger Management, and Billy Madison almost weekly to see if anything changes. Nothing changes; the same stuff always happens. He is a genius of hilarity and I love him but lately he has missed big time. He's been on a romantic comedy kick for a while and they haven't been good. It was soooooooooo good (teen girl squad....you need to watch it) to see Sandler getting back to his roots and making a stupid, pointless comedy.

After seeing the previews the first time I was sold. When he holds that guy by the pinky then kicks him with his feet...that was awesome. So I did something I rarely do and went to the theater tonight to see it. I never go to the movies. Then I did something I NEVER do: I walked out of the movie midway through. I think Sandler has officially forgotten how to make a good movie. It hurts to say that. It's like watching a powerful empire fall. It's never pretty. But this movie is beyond bad.

There are different kinds of dumb. There's Ace Ventura Dumb and there is Designing Women dumb. There's Anchorman dumb and there is talking-trash-during-a-church-softball-game dumb. Please Don't Mess With the Zohan reminds me of talking trash about Designing Women during a softball game. It is terrible. I asked for my money back and they wouldn't do it. So what can you do after you just wasted $7.25 (the guy thought I was in high school.....yay to no beard!)? Go to Waffle House and get some waffles and chocolate milk, duh. It was glorious.

But I don't want to end this post on a bad note....I mean, definitely don't go see the movie....instead pop in a Sandler classic and watch it for free in the comfort of your own home. Speaking of Sandler classics, what is your favorite Sandler movie and what is your favorite part? The penguin, the poo stomping, the "laying by the bay and making things out of clay", the yelling at golf balls to "go to their home", the I Feel Pretty song, the anger sharks, Steve Buscemi, the echo rooms, the ridiculous songs, Julia Gulia, the Odouls, Fooseball being the devil, the "you can do it", the smelly kid, the 30 packets of ketchup......I could go on forever. He may be done in the movie making biz but he sure has changed my life for the better. But please, dont mess with going to see the Zohan.

My Life

I'll tell you what - I have the most unique life of anyone around. Deb Mathis (top 10 coolest people I know) always laughs when she sees or hears what I am up to b/c of how ludicrous it is. Here's what's been going on lately:

I got to meet Bishop Alexis Bilindabagabo this week. He is a Bishop of the Anglican Church in Rwanda. I didn't know what a big deal he was until I met him. Apparently, he's #2 in command as being a Bishop goes in Rwanda. He has started tons of ministries, cleaned up lots of neighborhoods, and influenced a good deal of government officials. He's pretty much The Man of Rwanda. Like, you know when you tell someone you went to USC or Clemson the very next thing the person does is say, "Oh..Clemson....do you know Courtney Flowers"....and you're like "yeah, she's only 1 of 30,000 people there. we're great friends". Of course you don't know Courtney Flowers. Well, if you met someone from Rwanda and you ask them if they know Bishop Alexis they will definitely say yes. His apartment reeks of rich mahogany.

He loves the Lord big time and he has a very electric personality. He isn't afraid to speak his mind and make hard decisions. He is all about honoring God. He is pretty radical. I met him b/c Upward is thinking about going there to start a soccer (football) league and they asked me to go with them. First off, why does Upward love me? I ask this question all the time. There is no reason why Caz, Bill, or Shane should let me in the door. It's a God thing....thats the only explanation. But I love hanging out at Upward. I really do. The people there are terrific. I am now going to list who I love most there:

Just Kidding

But, number 2, why did God orchestrate a meeting between between me and an African Bishop who lost his entire family in the genocide in 1994? I have no idea. I was like a little child listening to the greatest story teller ever. It was a very powerful and encouraging meeting. I left wanting to do big things for God and not make God so small. I say I love God but do I give him the best of my day? My money? My eyes? All of my heart? Am I in constant wonderment of what God is doing? Do I try to talk about God in everyday situations? (the answer to all of those is a big, fat no). I want to answer yes. Meeting Bishop Alexis was powerful. He loves the Lord and it is contagious.

I also got to meet a lady named Dottie who works with college students in Spartanburg and she is HILARIOUS. We are leading worship together at First Pres in a few weeks for 4 and 5 year old kids so we met today to go over the songs. We ended up giving our life stories and talking about Jesus for about 2 hours and never touching our guitars. I loved it. I really did. I love meeting people who do big ministry things in Spartanburg. She is crazy and awesome.

Lastly, our softball team is in the winners bracket of the playoffs for the first time in 3 years!!!!!! Please hold you applause till the end. Tonight was the 2nd game of the playoffs; we played the #2 team (we are #3) and we won 17-5. We didn't beat them ever during the season but we have turned it on! Yes! We started the season very flat and it wasn't fun. I seriously didn't have fun playing at the beginning. But our attitudes have gotten better and we've gotten way better. It is great. I love playing softball, I love running, and I love to win. There is no team that has as much fun as us. It is great. We've come in 2nd place 2 years in a row but I believe this year is our year. We play the #1 team on Monday but if we continue playing the way we have been, we will be unstoppable. Man I love softball.

One more thing....I have been asking God to let me lead worship more and the phone has been ringing off the hook. I am playing for First Pres' kids, Junior High, and High School retreat, I'm playing at a baseball park in town this month, I'm playing in Niagara Falls in July, and at the Memorial Auditorium in Spartanburg. How about that!! What in the world is God up to? I don't know but I like it.

I think I need to be bolder in my prayers. Definitely more honest. I want God to use me big time and I want to stop choosing sin over Jesus. I want to stop being dumb. I want to make a big deal of God and not do things that make Him look dumb. I want to change.

Now Accepting Applications

I've decided it is time to begin accepting applications for my next potential girl friend. I am tired of the traditional "meet someone face to face then ask them out" thing...I figure that an interview process is much better. I thought for a while about how to best go about this and this is what I came up with:

First there will be a Pre Relationship Assessment Test (shown below) that must be completed. If you score within the designated parameters then next we'll do a few rounds of physical fitness tests that will include but will not be limited to your 40 time, Volkswagen press max, tire throw, Vienna Sausage eating contest, shin kicking abilities, and refrigerator tossing. Next will be a spelling bee then a debate against Freida Ridings on the subject "Email vs. Snail Mail and the Effects of Technology on the Post Office in the 21st Century". If you make it out of that alive then you will be forced to ride to Myrtle Beach with Ron Ridings driving without going completely crazy (he drives 55 mph the entire time and stops at every possible antique store, yard sale, or farmers market along the way turning a 4 hour drive into an 18 hour extravaganza). These tests will insure your physical and mental strength, which are essential requirements of being my arm candy.

If any applicant actually finishes this month long test then my sister will be in charge of picking the lucky winner since she is the most normal human being on the face of the earth. I figure she can spot the crazies. So, without further adieu, I give you the Pre Relationship Assessment.

Pre Relationship Assessment
(anyone who has played softball competitively, has ever had a mustache, owns over seven Vera Bradley bags, or has sunglasses that are over 8" in diameter per eye need not apply)

The following Questions are Yes/No (each worth 50 pts)

1. Can a man ever win an argument?

2. Are girls mostly illogical?

3. Is Joel a book of the Bible? If yes, for extra points, name the books before and after Joel.

4. Do you love to vacuum?

5. Are you in excess of 6' tall? If yes are you opposed to deheightening surgery?


The Following Questions are multiple choice:

1. Hypothetical Question: Let's say our 6 month anniversary is this weekend and I just got free tickets to see my favorite band on the same night. Do you:

A) Let me go....no strings attached. (100 pts)

B) Let me go but call me every 5 minutes to let me know you "love me". (3 pts)

C) Let me go with the full intent of passive aggressively reminding me daily that I shouldn't have gone. (-2 pts)

D) Don't let me go and make me commit to going on a date with you which you cancel at the last minute to hang out with your friend who just came into town. (-1000 pts)


2. We're hungry. You want to eat at:

A) Jason's Deli (0 pts)

B) Justin's Steak House (-100 pts. unless you pay which is +1000 pts)

C) Monterreys (100 pts)

D) The Beacon (1000000000 pts)


3. I haven't showered in a few days. You:

A) Are disgusted (0 pts)

B) Don't care (10 pts)

C) Make me ride in the trunk of your car (50 pts for having standards)

D) Don't even know b/c you haven't showered in weeks (-1000 pts for being gross. Only I can not shower....you need to smell good)


The Following Questions Are Either/Or

1. What makes you happier? Polka Dots or Football

2. Whats More Boring? Baseball or Any Story About Your Day

3. What's your stance on male body hair? The More the Better (that's the only logical answer)


Final Questions:

If you TiVo any of the following shows deduct 100 points per show:

1. Gilmore Girls
2. What Not To Wear
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Grey's Anatomy
5. The OC
6. Laguna Beach
7. Hanging With Mr Cooper
8. Harry and the Hendersons
9. Amazing Race

If you TiVo any of the following shows add 100 points per show:

1. Colbert Report
2. Full House
3. Seinfeld
4. Cash Cab
5. How It's Made
6. Man Vs Wild
7. Friends
8. Arrested Development
9. Dirty Jobs
10. Sports Center
11. Fresh Prince


If you own or love the following movie(s) deduct 1000 pts per movie

1. 27 Dresses
2. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
3. 13 Going On 30
4. Sweet Home Alabama
5. Steel Magnolias
6. Sleepless in Seattle
7. Anything with Bette Midler, Beonce, or Dolly Pardon in it


If you own or love the following movie(s) add 10000000 pts per movie

1. Ace Ventura
2. Dumb and Dumber
3. Dirty Work
4. Big Daddy
5. Anchorman
6. Good Will Hunting
7. Beauty and the Beast
8. Pride and Prejudice (the new one. old one deduct 10000 pts)
9. Happy Gilmore
10. Big Labowski
11. GroundHog Day
12. Home Alone 1 & 2
13. 13 going on 30 (how did that get on there)


If you can tell me where these quotes come from then you are awarded extra points (if you do not know please google or youtube them b/c you are depraved):

"Harry, I took Care of It"

"I had a doll like that once but my cat bit it's head off"

"We got stuff dumped on us/we'll never live it down/our reputations are ruined"

"You must be girls"

"Candy Mountain Charlie, Candy Mountain"

"This is Ned Schnebly"

"Ned Ryerson: Look out for that first step....it's a doosey"

"But Mooooooooooooom"


Final Question:

Do You Like Country Music?

A) Yes (No)
B) No (Yes)
C) Only stuff before before '95. Seminole Wind, Chattahoochee, Blue Moon, and Meet in the Middle are my favorites. (Yes)
D) Only new stuff. Kenny Chesney, Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood (Nope)
E) This is a trick question.....Country Music is an oxymoron (you're a dork. C was correct)


Once You have finished the Pre Relationship Assessment please turn your papers face down and feel free to talk about how awesome Hope Point is, what a great man Jack Black is, how much you love church softball, how guitar players are hot, and how eating vegetables is overrated. Thanks for participating.

The Beard Won

So I've always wanted to have tons of hair and a huge beard. What real man hasn't had that dream? I have been growing my hair for 6 months or so and the beard has been rocking for a little over 2 months. I recently looked in the mirror and realized I look terrible. Why has this always been my dream? I don't know.

Lots of funny things have been happening lately. I was walking in close proximity to a mother and her 6 or 7 year old son and when she saw me she did the double look and pulled her son closer to her side. When I went to see my sister in the hospital the first thing she said was "gross, you look terrible". Geez, do I look that bad. The answer is yes. When Harlan saw me recently he was super confused because he recognized my voice but had no idea who the cave man was. Oh, this gets me to all the things I have been called...Geico Cave Man, Jesus, Keith Green, Rambo (i wore a head band last week), Afro Ninja (i called myself that), Castaway, Grizzly Adams, Brad Pitt, and many, many others.

But I lose. The beard won. I almost past out from lack of fluids just walking outside yesterday so i cut it. I thought what a sad, pathetic man I am then i realized something - this is America. Who cares if Jeremy Bricker has the hottest beard/hair combo I have ever seen. He lives in Seattle. What's the hottest it gets there....73, 75 maybe?? This is the dirty South. We warm up around 85...max out around 118. No one in their right mind can rock the Grizzly Adams here. I did talk the big talk but in the end I fell victim to the beard. He wins. I am clean cut. I could work at Upward right now.

We documented the extravaganza tonight so you will get to enjoy all the dumb things we shaved into my face and all the hot poses I created. Those will be up one day. To all of you men (or scary women) out there who have a dream of beards and afros: I say do it! Do not tarry, least ye falter, act now or you shan't ever accomplish thy dream. I had a good run and I am not ashamed. But I am ready, with my weirdly white sectioned face, to face summer with all of my might. Bring it on South Carolina sun, bring it on.

Forrest Gump You're Killing Me

So I have to be at Hope Point in about 6 hours and I can't fall asleep. Probably b/c I have been going to bed later and later and now 2 am feels like 8 pm. I am going to be a zombie in the morning. Also, I just watched Forrest Gump and I am a little sad that he can run that far without ever getting tired. Plus he met 3 presidents, saved some people's lives, owned a million dollar business, played college football and got the girl of his dreams....sort of. I used some really neat soap that makes my skin smell like tea. That's about all I've done.

Today we practiced a new song we're doing tomorrow at church; The Hand That Holds The World by Starfield. It was a really good practice. Our drummer is in Charleston this weekend so we have Matt Lyda playing with us. He did great plus a new musician is like wearing a brand new silk shirt for the first time in Junior High. Just exciting. Until you stand too close to the water fountain and get permanent water stains on it. Man, I hope that doesn't happen tomorrow. Matt's the man.

I must do three things better: eat less trash, work out, and spend more time with Jesus. Why in the world are those things so hard? This week has been sweet with the birth of my new niece Katie Hays, but I have not done those three things well at all. I have no excuses. I am tired of being a slob. It's time. I need some goals. But before I make any goals, I am going to eat some doughnuts and go to sleep. See ya.