Come on, security guard

I haven't blogged in a long time because I have been overwhelmed. Overwhelmed at what you may ask....I don't know. Maybe refinancing the house, lots going on at church, Christmas, new musicians in the band, girls (or lack thereof)....whatever it was, I have felt like there aren't enough hours in the day. But I just had one of the best Christmas' ever with Ron, Freida, and the Couch's (my sister and brother-in-law...not furniture...furniture would never effect my Christmas, come on) and it's party time again.

It is 9 am, the day after Christmas, and I have been to Charlotte and Greenville already. Why? Well, that's simple - to pick up the Bricker's from the airport, duh. They are good friends who live in Seattle and I always pick them up when they fly in. They are neat.

Jay rode with me. We left Spartanburg at 5:15 am. It took us forever to get to the airport...we arrived around 6:45 and sat at the pick-up place till about 7:05 when an airport security guard started flashing his wand/flashlight thingy at us. I don't speak wand so I asked him what he wanted....the following ten minute were the most frustrating/hilarious moments of my post-Christmas morn:

He said we had to move. I patiently described to him that our friend's plane had just landed and they'd be out any moment..."can I stay here until they come out...they'll be here in about 3 minutes" I pleaded.

"If you could stay parked here I wouldn't be asking you to move" he logically stated - which made Jay and me laugh uncontrollably. "That's a true story", I said in between breaths as Jay pointed to me and said "he's right". His reply was straight up dry and hilarious but he didn't even pretend to smile. So we drove off.

It takes about 30 seconds to drive around and get back exactly where we were so we parked again....this time in zone D instead of zone B....tricky. Bricker called and said he was walking out. The security guard approached my vehicle and flashed his wand at me again and I got out, opened the back doors on my car and politely told him my friends we're currently walking out.

He was a meany pants and said I had to move. I then asked him to correct me if I was wrong but this was indeed the "pick-up" area at the airport or was I lost....because I was waiting on my friends who were about 10 seconds away. He said. "I'll believe that when I see them". What?? Did he think my Friday routine involves waking up at 5 am, driving to Charlotte-Douglas International Airport, and just sitting in my car drinking coffee and trying to pick up chicks? (hey, thats not a bad idea)

Or he thinks that you should arrive at the exact moment your party is walking out the door and your car never should come to a perfect stop....or if they are a little late you should keep driving and make your friends chase your car like a dog. George was getting upset.

He got out his ticket book and started writing me a ticket and said if my friends didn't get there before he was done then I was in trouble (oh man...decision time...how far away are Welles and Jeremy?? Should I leave?? Should I stay to prove that I am not a liar/sleazy dirtbag who's there just to pick up chicks?? How much will the ticket be?? Can he write tickets lightning fast or do I have a few minutes??)

Luckily the Brickers walked out the door as he started writing. He continued writing until I loaded their bags and drove off.

Man, seriously?? Who does that happen to? What on earth was his deal? He runs a tight ship over there at arriving flights. Word to the wise...never get to the airport early or you will rue the day you agreed to pick up your friends.....OR you'll laugh all the way home at how ridiculous your life is.

Ode to Kiosks

You want to know why I love my job? Because of staff meetings at the Food Court. That pretty much sums up Hope Point....Westgate Mall Food Court. There is no need to have a big, fancy church office when there are places that let you sit for hours and talk for free. Plus you get to look at old grandmas and huge musclely guys with tight shirts on. I was tempted to get an airbrushed t-shirt with mine and Richard's face on it.

On another note....here are some neato ideas for Christmas or in general:

Samaitan's Purse - it is a cool idea instead of buying socks for your sister (unless you were at the Gap last week with your sister, getting pictures taken of your neice and nephew, and she specifically said, "I want these socks for Christmas"). You can spend $4 or $40,000 on things like teddy bears for kids in 3rd world countries, a goat for a family, or a hospital for an entire village.

One.org - One is Americans of all beliefs and all walks of life - united as One - to help make poverty history. It's rad...check it out.

Tom's Shoes - if you are uber trendy then you already own a pair. TOMS Shoes is the coolest business model I've ever seen. It's simple - for every pair of shoes they sell, they give one pair away in South America and Ethiopia. Not only will you look cooler than cool, you will be helping a real person.


Take a look at that stuff and see if any of it is for you. If you know of other cool ways we can spend our money, let us know through a comment. Rock on.

It's All About the Hamiltons

I love money.  I wished I didn't but when I get it I am glad.  I want more of it.  

People keep asking me if i've read the comment on the "American Dream" post.  Yes, i've read it and I have decided to stop tithing forever (Actually it is really long so I read some, took a nap, then finished it).  Oh wait, no, I actually will continue to tithe whilst telling people that they need to as well.  

Tithing is biblical and only hippies playing bongos and talking about free love would argue otherwise.  If you don't plan to tithe you will not.  You will just rummage through your wallet at the last second and give God scraps.  10% is a starting point.  Like I said, it's all God's.  Putting a number on tithing doesn't make it mechanical or dogmatic....it keeps you from being a dummy.  

Tithing is an act of worship.  When that money leaves your pocket you feel it.  It makes me happy that God gave me a job and I have money to give.  Our chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.  Tithing helps do this.  It also helps you not be selfish and greedy.  Like I said....something inside of me loves money.  I want to keep it to myself and not give it away.  

Even if 10% is totally wrong (it's right) I'd rather err on the side of giving instead of the lazy, greedy, sloppy side.  Give out of love for the one, true God.  Give because you want to and worship God while doing it.  

Speciest

You know what I am tired of?  When you describe someone as "white" or black" and people make you feel like a racist.  You know?  This weekend I was at a party of all white people and my good friend Rachel came.  She's Malaysian.  I was talking about how awesome she is after she left and someone asked which one she was and I said, "the only not white one", to which I got a look that said "you are a grand dragon".  

My favorite sentence of all time is "I don't see color".  Well, I take it a step further....I dont see species.  From now on I am going to say things like, "Oh Rachel...she's human??...she could've been a sheep dog or a dolphin and I wouldn't have noticed...I don't see species.  You speciest.  

So when describing someone this is how my conversations are going to go:

Person:  "What's your friend Dodd like"

Me:  "Well, he rules.  Maybe you should date him"

Person:  "Cool, what's he look like"

Me:  "I don't see species.  He could be a giraffe or a hedge hog....who really knows?  He is just a beautiful mammal at heart and that's all that matters.  

And I am going to make people (I mean...mammals) feel really bad when they show signs of specism.  I guarantee trendy white mammals will pick this up and run with it because they are the most insecure type of species with mammary glands on the planet.  

Whoops and Ouch

So I really made some people mad with the sports post I had recently....and I paid dearly for it.  I stated things that aren't sports (ice skating, nascar, basketball, soccer, etc) and things that are sports (anything that I like) but I forgot one crucial fact - your opinions may cause you to get kicked in the shins.  

I was roller skating last night when I was approached by 2 very very scary 8 year old girls who play soccer.  One of them proceeded to hit me then kick me in the shins with roller skates!!  Have you ever been kicked in the shins by roller skates??  They have a huge hunk of metal in the front of them...a rather blunt object...good for kicking 27 year old men and bringing a little tear to his eye.  

Can you imagine that?? Please take a minute to play that scene in your head.  I got kicked in the shin by an 8 year old girl.  I wanted to cry.  And there is absolutely no retaliating that can be done...It was the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.  

Super Excited

Yay!  Why am I so excited you ask?  Because I am going to the greatest place on earth tomorrow - The Biltmore House.  Hooray!  With Ron and Freida, of course.  So tomorrow while you are doing stuff just imagine a 27 year old man hanging out with his parents, exploring the 250 rooms and 8,000 acres.  

I have never been during Christmas, they decorate the entire place....I've seen pictures and it looks hot!  Oh man, I am the nerdiest person ever and I don't care.  I am obsessed with the Biltmore House.  This will be the 2nd time I've been this year.  

Yay!!!

The American Dream

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much stuff I own.  I have a lot.  We all do.  But there is something especially wrong with me where I want 2 of everything...like I get an awesome guitar and I want another one...or I'll go to buy a pair of jeans and I'll buy 2.  As of late, this has been getting on my nerves.  

Most of the world does not live like middle America.  I can get in my car and drive anywhere I want, anytime I want, and buy pretty much anything I want.  I've been reading about American wealth compared to the rest of the world and the average per capita income in America in 2000 was $34,100 while the average world CPI was $7,410.  The average world CPI includes the US and other wealthy European countries so it's askew.  Info from the World Bank states that 56% of the world's population lives in extreme poverty, surviving on an income of $730 per year ($2 a day).....while 28% of the world's population lives off $1 a day.

I say none of that to depress you.  I say it to make you think.  How much did the pair of jeans you are currently wearing cost?  Where were they made?  How many pair of jeans do you own?  (I am speaking to myself....mine cost a lot and I have 10 pair of them.  I am embarrassed).  

The terrible thing is that people all over the world are forced to work in very bad working conditions just to make that $1 a day.  I've read some stories of people being tricked into slavery and they have no other choice.  Rich countries want their goods cheap so they can make the most profit.....and we keep buying it.  

I don't know a lot about Fair Trade but I know it works with poverty stricken countries to offer a fair price for their product.  It makes sure people aren't being taken advantage of and provides a healthy work environment for employees.  Sweat shops are real.  Slavery is still prevalent.  I know it's hard to wrap your head around b/c we have it so good in America.  The way you spend your money matters.  I encourage you to get off your rear and do something.  

I'm not saying sell all your possessions and live on the street...I am saying don't be duped by the American dream of nice house, nice new car every 3 years, nice clothes, big TV, newer house, bigger TV, stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.  I am saying be conscience of how you spend your money.  Do you need surround sound, do you need 4 coffees every day, do you need 10 pair of super nice jeans?  Stuff isn't bad it's the mindset it gets you in that is destructive.  Buying clothes with a credit card is dumb.  Having 14 coats in your closet is dumb.  

This is all opinion but I say this:  buy nice things with a clear conscience.  Maybe buy a nice pair of jeans once a year.....or something like that.  Save for a while (while giving money to church, orphans, widows, and people in need) then buy a TV.  Think before you spend.  Make sure you aren't supporting harsh living conditions in third world countries with your purchases.  

I dont think I  will single handedly save the world.  The movie No Country For Old Men depressed me deeply b/c, seemingly, evil triumphed.  But the theme of the movie was about fighting....no matter how dark things look around you, no matter how evil things are.....be a light.  Even a small light in a lot of darkness is bright.  You are going to be held responsible for the choices you make.  You can make a difference.  It sure is better than sitting around, surrounded with stuff, eating cheeseburgers, encapsulated in your American bubble doing nothing.  We Americans simply live a lifestyle that is beyond imagination for most of the poor in the world.  You are rich.  Thank God and do something!  

Here are some ideas:

Don't give tons of worthless gifts this Christmas.  Volunteer at a homeless shelter or buy necessities for families who are broke.  Check out this video.     

Sponsor a child through Compassion International.  

Give at least 10% of your money to your church.  Don't make excuses for not tithing.  Giving time is not tithing.  Giving 10% of your money is tithing.  This one is pretty self explanatory.  If you don't tithe because your church "doesn't use the money well" then find a new church.  It is a big deal to not give God 10% of what is already His.  

Think everytime you swipe your credit card.  Think about how that money is being used.  Think about someone other than yourself for a change.  

If  you are like me and have tons of stuff stop buying and start giving stuff away.  Do I need 5 TVs, 2 microwaves, 4 guitars, 12 pair of shoes, 2 computers??  I bet it would make some one's year to receives something like that.  

The bottom line is we need to do something.  We are the richest country to ever walk the earth and with that privilege comes a responsibility.  There are people that need our help.  Free up some money so you can give more away.  Don't go into HUGE debt that will prohibit you from being financially free.  Take small, baby steps now.  If we don't help people in need who will?  

Keeping Me Humble

Tonight at United (a rad, student led ministry at Wofford where I lead worship) I was singing Marvelous Light and it was super fun and everyone was singing loud and whatnot....then I decided to go into the part of Jesus Paid It All that says "Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead"....you know....but I hadn't practiced it or anything but I had been singing it all day and knew it'd be a great little chorus to throw in.  

When I got finished singing that part I wanted to end by singing the chorus (Jesus paid it all/all to Him I owe/sin had left a crimson stain/He washed it white as snow) but I got about this far:

Je...

uhhh  Je....

Jesus...

I couldn't find the note!  I am on the stage in front of thousands of people (or 80) and I am stuck!  I ended on a C and I needed to sing a G and I couldn't find it anywhere.  This has never happened ever.  Ever.  I don't have a clue what people did (i am sure they felt awkward for me.....oh MAN, I made people feel uncomfortable....that stinks...haha) b/c I was on the stage trying to find the note.  I was perplexed.  That G was hiding....and I never did find it. 

I think I said something like "sorry, I'm the worst worship leader ever" or something like that....because the moment was OVER.  I just drew a blank and stopped.  Wow

Now, I take full responsibility for tonights debacle but I must tell you something.  I have been super sick this week - sore throat, head ache, stopped up nose and ears, my balance has been off.....and I had trouble singing the first couple songs.  My head felt weird.  I was struggling to sing.  Then I just crashed and burned.....you must understand as a singer not being able to find a note is odd....notes just come natural.  It's like a nascar driver forgetting how to change gears (not a sport) or a lumber jack forgetting how to swing an axe (definitely a sport).  My ears popped during the middle of United and I could hear and singing on key got easier.  

Like I said, I take responsibility....I am a loser....some people pointed that out to me afterwards (with love and it was very funny) but this cold didnt help.  It was probably my biggest mess up since the year 2000 at USCs FCA when I was leading worship with Christy Parker and forgot how to play Shout to the North as we were in the middle of it.  I just stopped and said "uhhh...next song".  Yikes.  Was anyone there?  Do you remember that?  Wow.  

But that stuff keeps me humble.  It's hard to think you're the man when that happens and I love it.  I'm playing at Upward in about 6 hours...I hope it goes better.  Haha.  

Disclaimer:  As a worship leader, I trust God is in control of everything.  He dictates what happens...not me.  So why did He decide to hide the G from me tonight?  Where is the line between practicing (works) and trusting God will make it work (faith)?  All I know is I am called to play skillfully and trust Him.  Beyond that I don't know much.  

Not A Sport

I hate when I watch the top ten plays on SportsCenter and things like soccer, hockey,  NBA basketball or any women's sport is featured in the list.  They aren't sports.  A sport has to be something where you aren't sitting the entire time, can't chew tobacco or smoke while playing said sport, and most important - your "sport" has to be fun to watch which is why when soccer, hockey, NBA basketball, Nascar, Poker Tournaments, or Bowling comes on I am changing the channel.  

I would rather watch commercials than watch that garbage.  Now that baseball is over (granted you can chew tobacco while playing baseball...it's still a sport b/c it's awesome and fun to watch and b/c I said so) and it's NBA time, i'm a little sad to watch SportsCenter.  I may even change it to Everybody Loves Raymond (the show you can only like if you are 1 of these 3):

A Nerd

Married

Old

If you are 2 of those 3 then you pay extra for the Nascar channel and you love Hot Pockets.  If you are 3 of those 3 then you are named Ron Ridings and you have never watched a sporting event (or TV altogether) ever.  (except your son's football games at Boiling Springs which doesn't make the list as an actual sport b/c we lost by an average of 65 every week).  

Don't get me started on girl sports....just look at ticket sales, airtime, and merchandizing.  Give up.  

That is all.   

Chicago

Two weeks ago I decided to drive to Chicago alone.  Apparently no one can go on a trip from Wednesday to Friday....losers.  (By the way, if you ever want to hang out or get married or go camping please don't do it over the weekend or at night....that's when I work.  What's with no one wanting to hang out from 8 am to 1 pm?)  

But I was prepared.  I downloaded tons of new songs, podcasts, and sermons for the trip.  I had no idea how far I would be driving or what states I would be driving through on the way...I just wrote down directions and went.  Oh yeah, my friend Tim moved there this summer and didn't have anyone to drive his truck up there (his 2 year old son just rode the whole way...and slept....lazy) so I told him i'd drive it up there the first chance I got.  

I left at 7 am.  The ipod worked beautifully till about 7:14 am at which point I was left with complete silence.  I thought I would die without anything to rock to but, weird enough, the drive was awesome.  I stopped 3 times (only for gas and food)....I did stop for about an hour in Lexington, KY b/c of a huge wreck - but I was able to stretch my legs and talk to truckers which was terrific.  

The best part was I had no clue where Chicago was....I mean, I knew it was in the midwest, somewhere in Illinois but that was about it.  I had no clue what to expect.  (by the way who knew it was on a Great Lake??  Not this guy).  But I loved driving through Knoxville and Louisville, I hated every mile of Indiana - the worst, flattest, longest, most boring state ever.  But I crossed into Illinois on a huge, radical bridge and I could see Chicago.  Man, it was HUGE...way bigger than Boiling Springs.  I was finally there....yay!  So I called Tim to see if I was close to his exit and he then told me he doesn't exactly live in Chicago.....I had 2 more hours to drive.  That was the saddest news I think I had ever heard up to that point in my life.  I was ready to be out of the 1995 Ford Ranger five speed with no radio and no space for my legs.  

14 hours and about 900 miles and I was there.  Tim and Bonnie and the Todd are the coolest people who live 2 hours outside of Chicago ever.  

Bonnie showed me around the city the next day.  We did hilarious touristy stuff:  Sears Tower, Navy Pier, the Magnificent Mile (shopping...bought a t-shirt...i'm actually wearing it right now), Wrigley Field, and of course, and Tim met us after work for Giordanos Deep Dish Pizza.  I rode in a city bus, a train, a taxi, and an airplane all in one day.  It was awesome.  

But of course the best part was seeing Tim and Bonnie.  They're the type of people that make the club get crunk, you know?  They're real; they're blunt; they love Jesus; and best of all - they're rich.  Maybe not but I miss them big time and I am super happy that I got to see them.  Everyone misses them.  Everyone wants to be like them....it's pretty neato.  Although the drive really wasn't bad at all I enjoyed the 2 hour plane ride home a lot more.  I recommend taking an airplane not a 1995 Ford Ranger.  It was a great trip - I love my life and I love them Blakeneys.  

Side note:  The Sears Tower has always struck me as odd.  Sears?  Didn't they go bankrupt?  Indeed, they built the worlds tallest building, placing a stake in America to show how awesome they are....theeeeeeeeeeen had to move out about 15 years later b/c they couldn't afford it.  Haha.  That makes me laugh.  They are now in a nasty, dumpy one story building in Indiana (I made that up...but that would be the worst transition ever).  Anyway, the Sears Tower makes about as much sense as the Brendals Tower or Sky City Tower or the Hamricks Tower.  Remember those stores??  Brandals had great baseball cards and Hamricks is where everyone will go if they dont go to heaven.  Awful.  

PS

The conference we played at the Memorial Auditorium was for a Women's Conference, which makes it way cooler right??  No?  There were women crying everywhere.  Just kidding.  

On Tour WIth Jerry Seinfeld

I did the coolest thing over the weekend; something that I've only dreamed of ever doing...I wouldn't have believed it had I not been there....I got a job at a tattoo parlor, no, I led worship at the Spartanburg Memorial Auditorium. Yay

It was awesome. We played for a conference last Saturday. We went early Friday morning to set up and do a sound check and walking in was hilarious. We just stood there like 14 year olds for about an hour. All the artists who have been there (Hank Williams Jr, Aaron Tippen, Derek Trucks, Jerry Seinfeld, Elmo) sign the walls around the stage. Oh yeah, the stage is 7 stories tall....it is the biggest stage I have ever played on. It was ridiculous.

We had a green room and catered food and dressing rooms, it was hot. But we are small time rednecks...we didn't know what was going on. All I could think about was this was the exact same stage Jerry Seinfeld stood on....his content was a liiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit different than ours....but, man, who would have ever guessed I'd be melting faces where Seinfeld had melted? Not this guy.

The coolest thing about it is we got to lead worship. I am super happy that I get to do what I love and I get fun opportunities like the Memorial Auditorium. I was like a little kid the entire day - running around the first 3 floors where all the dressing rooms are and the secret tunnels and a whole other auditorium in the basement...it was rad.

But I must say the only reason I get to stand on that stage (or a college campus or a church) is because of Jesus. I am not the greatest guitar player, I am not the funniest comedian, and I sure won't ever be in any beauty pageant (tons of Mrs South Carolina's signed the wall....whoooooooo cares). I am just a plain dude with a boring, high voice that loves to see the Holy Spirit usher people before the throne of God. And God continues to use me.

Okay, dumb story time: Since we were there, we had to do climb to the cat walk, duh. And Shag had dropped a doughnut from the top and it exploded. It was awesome. So we decided that we needed to drop a cream filled doug (umm, dougs) 7 stories onto Stu's stomach. Hes the man for volunteering. So I climb to the top with a day old cream filled doug and direct Stu to where I think it's going to land. I tell you, we should join the circus, that monster hit him right in the bread basket leaving a HUGE red mark and drawing a little blood. I wish you could've seen it.

The next time you get the opportunity to be on a gigantic stage do not pass up the chance to throw old food onto your friends. You'll be glad you didn't.

William Lowell Harritt pt 3

For those of you who dont know, Bill "Thicks" Harritt is the man. Is calling him "Thicks" mean? I don't know, I've never really thought about it till I saw it in writing just now. Anyway we went to the University together and had a class together freshman year. It was speech class, the one class that Bill and I were made for. After each speech all the students had to grade their peers and write a little comment about the speech. When Bill finished his speech I wrote "you are hot...how about you call me some time...wink". And he called me. It was BFF at first sight.

William is my clone. We are the same person. I love when he is home and visits me. If someone would have told us freshman year that we'd both be working for churches 9 years later we would've laughed really hard and loud. But, alas, here we are loving our jobs.

The final edition of the Bill Harritt visit was last night - we drove to Greenville to meet a "girl" who Bill claimed to know for supper. Of course we stopped for Duchess Honey Buns on the way...duh. Nothing cleanses the pallet like a ball of sugary dough. Funny, Bill's "friend" never showed up....."she" had a flat tire or the flu or got lost or something.

Just kidding. Brooke is the girl version of Bill..in dress only. I knew it was her when we drove up b/c she was wearing a mountain hadware jacket, flip flops, and a pink polo - Bill's favorite outfit (Bill's 2nd favorite outfit - Tri Delta t-shirt, super short shorts, and a pair of new balances....those are the only 2 outfits you will see Bill in....unless it is the morning before a Gamecock football game when he does his ritual dance around the house in his long johns....he is a weirdo).

We had big plans to wake up this morning early and grab coffee before he headed back to Alabama but he woke me up at 10 and said goodbye. Goodbye Bill, may your raspy yawn yell ring out in the ears of many, and may your future always be filled with the Duchess.

Bill Harritt part 2

Just to keep you up to date on my Monday with Bill.  We ate lunch with Freida (Bill looooooooooves Mom, duh) and came home.....at which point Bill laid on the couch and fell asleep immediately and is snoring louder than anyone has ever snored on earth.  

You should see him....man, you should HEAR him.  This is ridiculous.  He has 2 speeds...100 mph and asleep.  But he's just as loud during both states.  I love him.  

Sitting Ovation

Bill Harritt is in town and we were singing Chicago's "Hard For Me To Say I'm Sorry" at the top of our lungs at a red light and two super old chicks in a mini van next to us rolled down the window and clapped. I love when he's here.

The Internet Is Now Complete

I've been writing some worship songs with my good friends Shag and Willy lately.  We've recorded some and we think they're pretty neato.  As of late, we've decided to pursue music more than we have in the past.  We decided on a band name, by the way.... it's super creative....Josh Ridings.  

We're in the process of getting stickers made, putting together a media kit, and working on our website.  It's pretty hilarious.  We want to record a full album soon (after we raise lots of money).  So if you are rich and could give me some money that'd be great....I don't want to actually work for it.  

So check out the website:  www.joshridings.com.  It isn't finished.   Take a look at it, download some songs, and let me know what you think.  I seriously would love to hear some feedback.  We want to lead worship somewhere every day if we can.  Let me know if I should add or delete anything from the website.  Also, if you want a copy of our EP let me know.  

When you pray, please pray for me and Shag and Willy.  I want to listen to what God is saying.  We don't want to do the music thing just because it's cool...we feel God calling us to it.  So pray for us to have pure hearts and clean hands in all of this.  

ps - we have a manager.  who has managers?  i'll tell you who, rock stars.    

Hump Day?

I love Wednesdays. Mostly because I'm still on a high from United which is every Tuesday night but also b/c I lead worship at Upward every Wednesday morning at 8 am. I love Upward. If 2004 Josh could have read this blog he would be so confused. You see, I used to work at Upward and it just didn't work. I was in a cubicle, answering phones, and it was not for me. I started working January of 04 (at 175 lbs) and I left 50 lbs later (May 05). I am sure I was terrible to work with...when I try to do something that I'm not good at it isn't pretty. I complain, I cry, and mostly I lay on the floor in the fetal position asking for my Mom.

But the people there are great, which is evident. They helped me do my job better and they understood that sitting in a cubicle probably wasn't for me. Looking back I had so much fun there. I still hang out with Upward folks all the time....they have some of the best employees around. That's why I think God has a sense of humor. I complained all the time when I worked there (because I am a baby) so God gave me a pacifier in the form of a kick in the pants and now I love it. I was sick last week and couldn't be there and I missed it big time.

Changing the subject, my sister read the last post about old people and had some complaints. She was mostly upset that I posted on October 6th, her birthday, and didn't mention her....ummmm, happy late birthday, Heather. She also said the post was mean. So please know it isn't old people I was mad at....I dislike tour groups of all ages. They are annoying. They're super nerdy, also, usually because they're from Ohio (what's the deal with Ohioans and traveling??). So anytime I see a big traveling group I usually make fun of them...in love of course.

Last but not least, Laura Story is leading worship at Hope Point this week. I am pretty giddy about this. I respect her big time. She asked me to maybe sing or play acoustic with her...which is completely ridiculous. I am pumped. So please come. It going to be hot. I hope you have a lovely Wednesday.

Land Monsters

Today was going to be a great lunch. I was excited. It's not everyday that you get the chance to eat Cracker Barrel. Chicken N Dumplins or Chicken Fried Steak or Grilled Chicken Fingers....aahhhhhh, then there's breakfast - served all day! If you could get the greatest day of your life and transform it into one terrific restaurant you'd have the Cracker Barrel. I could barely contain myself on the drive over.

But the #1 worst thing that could ever happen ever was awaiting me in the parking lot upon arrival: a charter bus full of terribly dressed, lethargic, confused 80 year olds were piling into the restaraunt/country store. It was like they had never seen buildings before. They looked like a bunch of cows who had accidentally escaped the pasture and had no clue what to do next. I was in trouble. I ran inside, trying to bypass a few of the grazers, but it was futile. I stood at the podium forever as the hostess tried to communicate logically to these land monsters. Apparently "4 at a time" to an 80 year old means "please ignore me and just walk to a table in a huge cluster". It was mass chaos. There were old people everywhere - so confused and old.

I wondered (a little) why old people aren't normal. Why can't they hear? Why don't they listen? Why do they wear those clothes? Why do they look so out of place? I mostly wondered why these geezers were getting to eat the delicious food that was supposed to be mine. Goodbye biscuits and gravy.

But, alas, when life serves you lemons, you should be thankful for your youth and high metabolism and go to Ikes and eat a huge cheeseburger. It was delicious.

(note: please know that I love old people. Well, that's not true. I loved my grandpa, Pop, he was the man. I just really don't like when tons of old people, who should never leave their home, get on a tour bus, wear name tags, and decide to clog up production at the eatery in which I am visiting.)

MMORPG

If anyone already knows what a MMORPG is then you may need to go outside and play. How do I know about massively multiplayer online role playing games you ask?? Let me tell you.

I spent the nicest, most relaxing weekend at Windy Gap in Asheville, NC. I was the worship leader/adult leader for a High School's senior retreat. The kids were radical, the weather was awesome, and the food was free and delicious. We spent all day playing in the lake, hiking, doing the high ropes course, and just hanging out. It was great - no cell phones, no emails, just enjoying the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains.

On the next to last day I was sitting in the cabin and a guy sat down beside me and said, "man, I can't wait to go home." Thinking something was wrong I asked what was up. His reply: "I miss my computer." I laughed thinking he was joking. He was not.

What in the world has happened to cause high school seniors to overlook the beauty of God's creation and think about how much they miss World of Warcraft? It's ridiculous. I'm scared to have kids, seriously.

Nerdiest Workout Ever

As everyone knows I am the laziest person on earth when it comes to working out. I work out only to hang out with friends and tell jokes; I hate when it's my turn to lift an actual weight. In a given hour at the gym I'd say I am working out for about 6 minutes. Gold's Gym really saw me coming.

So I had the excellent idea last year to buy a bench press, some dumbells, and tons of extra weight. I actually was working out pretty regularly then I tore my shoulder, pulled a muscle in my left leg, and injured my lower back, which I had to have surgery on. Awesome.

After physical therapy, CT scans, MRIs, and surgery I decided to never work out ever again. It wasn't a hard decision....you should try it - when you have the urge to be active just pop in a movie and get some Doritos. It was all fun and games till I could feel my stomach touching my legs when I sat down. I had hit rock bottom.

Then my good friend Burkhead recommended a workout called P90X. I have always lifted free weights: this is a workout video. When I hear "workout video" I think Richard Simmons or Billy Blanks which makes me giggle. No way I'll ever be sweating to the oldies.

But I tried it and it killed me. It is the nerdiest thing I have ever done. I hate when people walk in b/c they laugh their heads off (which they should). It is so cheesy. But everyone who does it is sore for about 3 years afterwards. The workout is 7 days of different workouts. Each day is about an hour and a half, it uses very light weight, there are no breaks, and I cry a little every time I do it. It is rouuuuuuuuuuugh. But it is super nerdy. The trainer guy will get on your nerves big time (unless you like arrogant jerks who talk about themselves all the time).

So if you are fat and want to lose weight while getting made fun of by all your friends, I recommend P90X.

iphone

To start with I feel a little bad that my blog posts aren't all deep and meaningful; about life and spiritual things...mine are pretty much dumb and pointless. I don't really feel bad, I just wonder sometimes if I should be more serious since I am a minister of music (for the last time...i'm a worship leader, geez). All my friends write long, detailed essays about the love of God or the effects of global warming and I am publishing a fake test for potential girlfriends.

On to bigger and better topics. I bought the iphone 3G the day it came out. I was one of the nerds that got to the AT&T store super early to insure I would be in the elite group of early adapters. That was an interesting group of individuals....mostly young people who, when it got closer to 8 o'clock, were approached by an old person who paid them for their spot in line. I can't wait to be so rich that I walk around paying poor, sad, college peasants to wait in long lines for me. That would work awesome at Carowinds or Blockbuster.

But I got the iphone and couldn't use it for the first day b/c itunes crashed and since then it has been a long, windey road filled with hardships and dead zones. But, alas, I think the 2 updates have fixed all of my problems. There are no longer any echoey voices, dropped calls or random black screens.

I would recommend the iphone to anyone. Not only will you look way cooler than everyone else, the phone pretty much does everything. It is my calendar, email, internet, remote for my computer, ipod.....oh yeah and I use it sometimes to make calls.

There are things you must be aware of once you get an iphone. Take heed to my commands or forever regret thy ways:

1. Do not be the guy who chooses the iphone over actual human contact: I had a party the other day and one of my friends was in the corner playing a game or something on his phone. I am pretty sure he talked to no one that night. He is showing early signs of being a World of Warcraft addict.

2. Get used to the reactions when people see your phone: Cool people will say something like, "oh neato an iphone...do you like it?" to which you finish what you are doing and hand it to them to play around with. They will enjoy it and you will get to show off all the cool features. Someone who is a turd will say something like, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuse me Mr. Fancy Pants...how much did that cost you, hummmmmmmmmm??" to which you finish what you are doing and place the iphone back in your pocket.

3. Get used to people trashing the iphone: People will feel the need to tell you how their bag phone from 1993 was the best phone they ever had and how it got way better reception than your pathetic iphone.

4. Last but no least don't be the guy that only buys apple products, has the apple sticker on his car, and walks around talking about how apple computers are far better than sad PCs. As soon as you do that the hard drive on your precious Mac will crash, you will lose everything you have worked so hard on the past 2 years, you will have to drive to Charlotte 4 times, and you will spend $280 to get the piece of junk fixed. So don't do it. Consider yourself warned.


But the iphone is worth it I promise. The best are the people who were jocking me a few months ago and now I see them walking into the AT&T store donning a fake mustache...they are fooling no one. The phone rules.

Whoops

I lead worship every Wednesday morning at Upward, a sports ministry in town. This morning was fun....really worshipful. We sang I Will Lift My Eyes by Bebo and Mighty to Save by Hillsong. We ended acapella then I prayed and as I went to sit down in the back I realized my pants were unzipped. They had been unzipped the entire time.

Trying To Shut Us Down

Last night was the first United at Wofford. United is a student led ministry that is awesome. It's purpose is to bring together students for a night of worship....no affiliations, no denominations, no agenda - except to exalt Christ. It started as one person's idea and has grown into my favorite night of the week.

I lead worship there. Stu and I. My good friends Collins and Phillip are the guys who head it up (for right now...we want to see God raise up more leaders). A normal United consists of Phillip speaking for about 10 minutes, prayer, acoustic worship, more prayer, the end. Last night we decided to bring the full band and do it outside in the Pavilion at Wofford.

To give you a taste of what most people think when they hear "wofford"....last night during the sound check a dude leaned out of his window and said "excuse me, could you refrain from making so much noise?". Except add a few expletives and a rather bad attitude. I think he wanted to kill me.

Nevertheless, last night was one of the most worshipful, fun times I have ever had. Wofford kids worship because they want to not because it's cool or because they have to....it is sincere and loud. Very loud. Plus add bass, drums, guitars, djembe...it got a little rowdy. So rowdy in fact the Wofford Police tried to shut us down. It was near the end so we did a few acoustic songs (which was our plan anyway) so it was no big deal.

So whatever you think of Wofford - it being a rather dark campus, or a party school, or whatever - rest assured that God is at work big time there. There is a cool community of real Christians and it's growing. Last night was amazing. It was truly beautiful. God is at work in Spartanburg. Big things are happening and I can't believe God is letting me be a part of it.

Normal, Right?

Is it weird that anytime I go out in public I run into a 9 year old that slaps me on the back and says "hey"? Meanwhile the Mom/Dad has a look of horror as to why their precious child is talking to a scary, hairy stranger.

Here's a good story: I went to Edward Jones to set up some retirement stuff (what 27 year old doesn't do that?) and the broker is a super serious dude wearing a perfectly pressed suit. I sit down in front of his desk and he's looking at my paperwork and says "Josh Ridings....Josh Ridings.....are you Coach Ridings??!" Immediately he gets a huge smile on his face and tells me all about the games his 2 daughters play at home....games that made zero sense because I made them up.

My favorite game was this: All the kids lined up on the wall and when i would say "go" they had to run across the gym to the other wall. So I would say, "1, 2, 3......GOATMEAT" and rub my stomach and tell them that's what I ate for breakfast. What a PE Teacher, huh.

Anywho, I run into these kids and their parents all the time. It is so weird and awesome. I love hearing my Edward Jones guy say "goatmeat". That made my day.

New Band Name

Tonight Bill Z and I came up with about 700 band names. We don't like VerseChorusVerse at all so we need a new one. Since I was totally wrong about how many readers I have on this blog I decided to make y'all vote (Deb your vote counts 4 times b/c you are 4 times cooler than everyone else, Freida your vote counts -2 times b/c you don't bend your knees when you bend over....well b/c today is your birthday I'll let your vote count once, Madden your vote counts as many times as you have commented on my blog (about 1000), Robby your vote is comparable to how many kids you have (about 1000), Christy Trevitt you get to choose how many times your vote counts b/c your mom taught me how to sing and she didn't kill me in 1995 when I deserved death (I like that you are the secret reader), Nic your vote counts 25 times b/c that's how many years we've been friends (minus 4th-7th grade when I was the hugest loser ever and I had no friends....not your fault...anyone who wears purple shirts and purple swimming trunks to school everyday and speaks only in Pig Latin doesn't deserve friends), Kelley your vote counts twice because you ordered 2 entrees at Waffle House and you make me laugh, Heather I love you but I am afraid I can't allow you to vote since during our weekly game of Bible Baffle you didn't count my answer "Blessed is" to the question "what are the first 2 words of the beatitudes"....correct answer - "Blessed are" - come on , cut me some slack, but you didn't so you can't vote, and anyone else who reads - I am sorry I forgot you but the world doesn't revolve around you...just kidding. It's late, I'm tired, please forgive me. But Pleeeeeeeeeeeease vote on a band name. We need your input.

Pick your top 3:

Sometimes Y
Hey Steve
Led Zeppelin II
Led Zeppelin Also
Hello Rico
Sparkle City
Chuck Fields
Surge Protector
The Pocket
Sockem Boppers
Surf Minjas


There they are. There are only 3 that we are actually considering. If you can guess which 3 they are then you win the special prize. What is the special prize you ask? Well for the past 5 years I have been growing huge beards and shaving them off. I can't wash the hair down the sink so, of course, I have been saving the hair in a Hefty trash bag. It is almost filled. I believe with my current beard my project is now complete. Awesome, I know.

Let the voting begin!

Can't Sleep

Did you see that Gamecock game tonight? I hope not. Terrible. I made 2 huge mistakes last week: going to the USC game in Columbia and eating the lunch wing buffet at Wild Wings.

Both huge mistakes and costly. But I realized during my 28th wing that both very bad decisions were basically the same; at least the lure. You see, I've been to tons of Shamecock games and the outcome is always the same: I get super mad, spend too much money, and leave feeling sick. Even though I know this I still drive an hour and a half to sit in the 90 degree heat to watch a terrible game.

When the waitress asked me what I wanted I tried to say "chicken sandwich", I did, it almost came out. But then she said she'd throw in the tea for free and I was hooked. I've been to Wild Wings before, I've had the wing buffet before, and it is always nasty. It cost too much, and I want some fries and it makes my stomach hurt. But here's the thing.....I have never ordered anything but the wing bar when I go there. I know i'm going to hate it. I just can't resist.

So, regardless of how bad Vanderbilt makes us look on national TV, I will always pull for the Gamecocks. We haven't done well in the 27 years that I've watched them and I'm guessing we never will. I've tried so hard to change my allegiance to a UCLA or the real USC (ouch) but I just cant. I will always pull for the Gamecocks....getting super mad and feeling sick all Fall. I just can't resist.

You Should've Seen My Face

Something happened to me this past Sunday that has never happened ever. I have actually had nightmares about it happening but Sunday all my nightmares became reality.

I lead worship for a living. Churches call, I pick up the phone, they ask me to come play, and I say yes. It's a pretty simple process. They tell me what they want, when it starts, what I'll need to bring, etc, and for 10 years I have always gotten all of it right.....until Sunday. The pastor is a good friend of mine and he asked me to play at his church for a missions recap (I went on a mission trip with them last month and it was awesome). I was at the beach when he called to give me the details but I remember exactly what he said:

"We're going to eat a Low Country Boil then have the service. We're getting started at 6:30". The pastor and I are both ADD and a little slow....but our minds race a million miles a minute. So we talk a little more and hang up but we aren't on the same page at all.

I walk in the church at about 6:40 and the church is full of people and Johnny is up front praying. You should have seen my face. I haven't set up, done a sound check, picked out the songs, gotten PowerPoint ready...nothing. I was wishing I had worn my adult diaper.

What in the world am I going to do?? So I just decided to walk down the center isle. Johnny says "well look who decided to show up" and everyone stands up, laughing and clapping, and welcomes me in. They are patting us on the back (my friend Stu was there too to play the djembe) and laughing at us.....I was sooooooooooooo embarrassed. It takes a lot for me to get embarrassed - like showing up in the middle of a church service where I was supposed to be leading worship and have the entire congregation laugh at you. There's nothing you can do at that point.

But Johnny is smooth, they had a meet and greet time so I got everything set up. He laughed and took full responsibility for it (it was both our faults for not paying attention) and everything was fine. It wasn't near as bad as it could have been.

I seriously do have terrible dreams where I forget to show up to church or the song I am doing just totally bombs or I show up to church late and everyone stares at me as I quietly and awkwardly get everything set up on stage. Whew, I get an awful feeling just writing about it. But, like I said, it wasn't bad. Everyone laughed, I led them in worship, and it was very good. THEN we had the Low Country Boil and it was delicious.

So the moral of the story - don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk.

Hey Jeremi

I think there is only one person who reads this blog and his name is Jeremi. I don't know why I included that opening sentence...let me start over: Hey Jeremi, how's teaching? (So if you have accidentally stumbled upon this blog I don't want you to be confused - it will now just be a conversation between Jeremi and me.)

Jeremi, when you said I should advertise what does that mean? Is it socially acceptable to go around talking about your blog? That's like going around talking about how much you work out or how much money you have in the bank. Wait...I do both of those all the time. 6 times a day and at least $70,000 in petty cash.

Do you remember all the awesome cars you had in college? I reminisce about the first time you gave me a ride home from the GMP in that huge, old blue car that had HUGE subs in the trunk. I thought you were so mysterious. We listened to Kid Rock. It was one of the best days of my life. Then remember how we never had any dates ever? We pretty much hung out with each other every night.

Then remember when you had that birthday party recently and I spat on a dog when you dropped the line from Hustle and Flow? That was a good party. Well, thats about all I've got. I hope to see you Thursday night. Will you help me pass the word along about my blog? I want a writing deal to come out of this. Thats really the only reason I'm doing it. Until we get our 2nd reader I'll just continue to have conversations with you. Which is fine b/c I love you. Tell Walter I said Hello.

Great Idea

You know that terrible show American Idol....the one that is responsible for unleashing sloppy, untalented turds like Ruben Studdord, Jordin Sparks, and Taylor Hicks on the world of rock and roll? They are chewed up and spit out by the industry never to be heard from again. No Grammy, no awards....nothing. That's no fun. But it's not their fault - how can they expect to compete against giants like U2, Jimmy Eat World, or the 2002 USC FCA Praise band? They can't. It's an unrealistic goal. But I have an idea that is gold:

Using the same idea/guidelines, I want to start Olympic Idol. Get a lot of worthless fatsos with no work ethic to go through some sort of pointless competition and the winner will have the chance to compete in the Decathlon with the real athletes. Could you imagine that? Someone like that relative we all have - bald, fat, lazy - doing the high jump, 110 hurdles and pole vault against Dan O'Brien or Bryan Clay? It'd be awesome. He'd be drinking Dr Pepper and eating Chicken Nuggets between events. Plus he'd be wearing overalls, boots, and a baseball cap. Everyone would love that.

And, the best part, just like with Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood, they might actually win a few events. Ummm, no they wouldn't. Nevermind. Could you imagine how hard that person would get destroyed by real Olympic athletes? It would be amazing. I would especially love the high jump....with his wallet and keys in his pockets plus a Chick Fil A biscuit in his hand. This would really boost ratings.

I'm going to call NBC...I might have something here.

Things I Have Learned On Vacation

1. Tattoos look terrible when you are 65+

2. Harlan, my 2 year old nephew would rather play with a broken vacuum cleaner than go to the beach or play in the pool.

3. Putting ice in a cup is much louder when there is a 3 month old taking a nap (as is talking, walking, chewing, breathing....you are pretty much going to get "the look" for doing absolutely anything when the baby is asleep).

4. My parents are the weirdest/awesome-est people ever. As soon as I take off a dirty article of clothing - before it hits the ground - Ron slides in my room, grabs the clothes, gives them to Freida who washes and folds them and returns them to my room before I have had time to put any new clothes on. I think they are super heros. Their power is cleanliness. You should see the house, golf cars, front porch....pristine. I am seriously going home with a suit case full on clean clothing.

5. Going to the pool with my sister has been the highlight of my week. It is our post lunch ritual where we reminisce about the good ol days and people watch.....2 of my favorite things to do.

6. I had no idea but when the kids go to bed it is party time. It seriously is like a TV show....when the door closes, we all look around with excitement; someone runs to the kitchen and grabs the cookies, M&Ms, chips, and Coke - then we turn on the TV and hang out till about 1 am. Who knew parents everywhere are anxiously counting down the hours till their kids go to sleep? It's awesome.

Jay Wins

My friend Jay Harper pretty much made my night by designing (forcing a runner at his law firm to design) the greatest sticker of all time. Way to go Jay, I am very happy.

I want to see these on cars all over the world.

New Job

Has anyone heard about Wal-Mart's deal with hamburger meat? If the meat is bad or turns brown, or whatever, they do a 200% return. They give you new meat plus your money back. So I have quit my job as a worship leader and decided to become a full time meat scout. I will travel the country looking for meat that I believe will be rancid, and upon finding said meat I will order 800 pounds of the nasty trash.

It's a win - win situation. I will always be full plus I will make tons of money. Will you forward me every recipe that involves hamburger meat please? Also, will someone teach me how to use a stove?

Yay Olympics

Well, look who it is...it's me. I am at the beach this week with my family and pretty much every thing that happens feels like an SNL skit because it is so ridiculous. Anyone who has not gone on a week-long vacation with their family when they're 27 is really missing out. I mean...who doesn't want to turn a 4 hour trip into a 10 hour excursion? And in true Ron and Freida fashion they borrowed a conversion van (yes, a conversion van....ground effects, extra tall top...the works). 18 wheelers are getting out of the way of this thing. Respect.

It's only Tuesday and I have about 1000 things I need to write about but my favorite thing so far happened last night as we were watching the Olympics. It was about 10 pm and men's gymnastics was on (side note: I am all about sports that are practical - like running really fast, or swimming, or whatever - they can come in handy if you're being robbed or attached by a shark but when in the world are you ever going to need to run like an 11 year old girl, bounce off a pummel horse, then do a triple sow cow onto a mat? Weirdos)

Where was I? Oh yeah, favorite thing. Whilst watching the male gymnasts, Kevin said one of the guys was fat....then we go on to talk about how terrible he did in his event (i think he won gold). But it was hard to hear what was being said b/c we were devouring ice cream, cheez its, 2 bags of chips, and drinking Coke (I had a chip on my face where I had tried to dump tons of chips in my mouth at once....I saw it later that night when I was brushing my teeth). I could barely hear what was being said due to the chewing and bags rustling about.

We realized how ridiculous we were and had a huge laugh. Then we went back to our delicious snacks. We are so American. I love the Olympics.

Hooray For My Bed

So it's been a while since I have posted and that is because I have slept in my bed a grand total of 4 nights in the past four weeks (I just made all those numbers up because I didn't feel like actually thinking). Since the last post I have been to Litchfield, Charleston, Columbia, Atlanta, Columbia again, Atlanta again, and Columbia a third time.

What have I been doing you ask? I decided to actually go see all the friends that I have been saying I want to see for the past 5 years and it has been glorious. I have slept in many guest bedrooms, beach houses, floors, and my car (while driving...don't worry I have cruise control so I still made good time). Shag and I finished our EP as well and we came up with a band name - VerseChorusVerse. I like it.

On my travels I figured out some stuff. I can't really think of anything but I am sure it was pretty profound. I think I was going through a midlife crisis before I put 4,000 miles on the Polar Bear (97 Tahoe....hott). I think I needed a break from Spartanburg...I needed to rest. I needed to actually pray and sing...for fun, not b/c i was "supposed" to. And I did. I have hung out with some wise older business men, some very dear friends, my family, some strange bums on the street, my college roommates (who are still awesome), guys who I know that lead worship, friends from an old camp where i worked one summer...and lots more and I realized that God has surrounded me with some awesome people.

I am so covered in the grace of God and His favor that it is impossible to miss. I have the world's best job. I would not be happy doing anything else. I love people and I love music and I am learning how to love God better. This has been a neat but strange season. I am experiencing a new kind of tired. I have 2 more long trips planned where I'll be leading worship then I am taking some time off. Or I will drive to Chicago to see Tim and Bonnie.....then I will rest.

I look forward to handing out the EP this fall, hopefully playing lots of music, writing more, and hanging out at United on Tuesday nights. I am thanking God for this city, for Hope Point, for His Favor, and for choosing me specifically to do exactly what I am doing - leading people to the Cross of Christ through conversations, laughter, and music.

I am learning to be quiet and rest in the Lord, knowing that He has a plan for me, and it has been great.

Vote Please

I asked my friend Chris to do some headshots for me and this is what he did. I need your help voting on your 2 top favorites. Be helpful; tell me which ones you like, why you like them, and why you don't like the other 2. You can't hurt my feelings....i mean, look at me. If you've got it, you have to flaunt it. Also, don't be jealous that you don't have little music notes coming out of your guitar...I'm a professional.

These are for a website and also for promo when I play places that ask for a picture.


#1





#2

#3




#4

Family Stick Figures

You know those ridiculous family stick figures that are on every mini van and SUV? They tell you how many kids that person has and what gender they are and how many pets they own...b/c everyone on the road cares so much, I promise. I saw a little stick figure sitting in a wheel chair the other day which was just weird. But you know what type I havent seen yet...and I think they will sell pretty well....

The stick figure of a single guy with his hands out in front of him...kinda saying "I don't know why there aren't 3 car seats in my car" or "I am always alone" and maybe a little tear rolling down his cheek. Also, his head could be hung in shame/sadness.

How great would this be? While everyone is boasting of their great families and dogs (who boasts of pets?) we will ride around with a sticker of ourselves sitting at home on a Friday night playing Wii b/c we can't get a date. (Man, that's another great idea for a sticker)

Some friends and I came up with idea on the way to Atlanta last week. We were checking out the babes driving down the freeway (this is what my life has become as a 27 year old male who did not meet his significant other in college like the rest of the world) when all of the sudden we see her stick figure sticker of her hot husband....even the stick figure seemed to have nice muscles and more money than me. Then we all realized that we are old losers and we laughed about our sad sticker.

So, anyone out there who is an awesome graphic designer please make this sticker for me. There is a huge market for it in Spartanburg.

A Tree Top Bible Blast

That's right...if you wanted to find me 2 weeks ago you needed to look no further than the rainforest adventure....aka the weirdest Vacation Bible School ever. Well, maybe they're all weird since I am not 9 years old.

First Pres in Spartanburg hired me to play the "theme" songs which were the songs that were written just for this summers Rainforest theme. It included such hits as "Be Happy In Your Faith", "First!", and the title track "RainForest Adventure" (a tree top Bible blast, rainforest adventure living life together in Christ, every tree in the forest will join in the chorus and sing to the Lord....it's a rainforest adventure, a tree top Bible BLAST! Sorry, that song will be in my head [and my roommate's heads] forever).

Another Lady named Dottie, who turned out to be the coolest person ever, had the joy of leading the "fun" songs...like "The Noble Duke of York" and "Milk, Milk, Milk...Drink That Milk". Those songs will also be in my head for eternity. But at least the kids new those songs and got to jump around and be silly.

Now I am not knocking First Pres, I am knocking the VBS company who came up with this theme. Did you know that there is a company who comes up with this stuff and every church in America buys the package? Seriously...Christians make sooooooo much money off of junk it is ridiculous. But that's a totally different subject. I have a dream....

It is to quit my job leading worship and focus on writing Kids Songs. I would become an instant millionaire (or I would starve b/c apparently kids love terrible songs). Dottie and I joked that we should write songs for VBS and have every kid in America singing our stuff. That's the secret....Hannah Montana knows what I am talking about.....get the kids into it and you are golden. Concerts, action figures, clothing, movies, TV Series....I am going for it all. Look out LifeWay or VBS Place or whomever is responsible for this trash....for I have spoken.

In all honesty I had a great time with the kids. It took them a few days to get comfortable with me and Dottie but it was fun and they sang well and First Pres did an awesome job with the whole week. I just wished that people cared about music as much as they should. The songs were not good. They were cheesy, nerdy, and terrible all at the same time. I think they had to try to make them that bad.

So if anyone out there would like to hear "Rainforest Adventure" please yell it out the next time I am leading worship....i think i could seamlessly go into it from "How Great Is Our God".

Look Out Lazy, Fat Guys

After hearing the huge news that Tiger Woods will be out the rest of the year due to reconstructive ACL surgery I decided to hit the course yesterday to fill the void that Tiger has left. I have never heard of any other golfer ever, which means they're no good right? Right, duh. I've played golf about 4 times (maybe) and 3 of those were Par 3's. But all you got to do is wear a pair of goofy pants, be fat, and put the ball in the hole. That's what the one other golfer I know said - Happy Gilmore.

Since I have dominated one old fat man sport, softball, I figured it's time to conquer another. So I am now a golfer. I shot a 47 on 9 holes which is a few under par, I believe. Maybe not. All I know is that I am going to go ahead and join the Golf Tour Thingy as soon as possible...maybe this weekend. There's tons of money to be had (doesn't Tiger make like $20 million a year and all the other guys make about $30,000 a year? Like I noted earlier....I don't think they're any good).

My friend Nic Lane and I played in Greenville. I used his clubs ( I had to rent a putter), balls, tees...ummmm, pretty much I showed up to the course with a Chick-Fil-A sandwich. Nic is the man. I lost tons of balls, almost hit a little girl that was 2 holes over, and can't putt to save my life. But Nic let me tee off three of four times on every hole and putt as many times as I wanted. It really was fun. I actually made a birdie (that's apparently when you get the ball in the hole with 1 less stroke than you are allowed).

Quick name 3 golfers. See, you can't do it. I know we'll all miss Tiger but don't worry...soon you'll be able to name 2 golfers: Tiger and Putty McLambshanks (that's my professional golf name).

The Tucker/Ridings Sessions

Lately Shag and I have been writing some songs together. We started writing joke songs for our friends who got married then we worked on some worship music together. Turns out we write pretty well together. And Willy is there to tell the jokes, get the ladies, and lay down a sick bass line. Anywho, we have a 4 song EP that will be finished this summer (I hope) but we have a problem: we have no name.

I am being completely serious when I ask for your help. I know y'all are creative. All the names we have thought of were either taken or we didn't love them so we need you to think of a band name for us.

The winner will get to spend a day in the life of Willy Tucker. Who knows the shenanigans you will get into (working in a potpourri lab, listening to old records, washing your hair with horse shampoo, eating oatmeal for every meal, owning over 300 movies, telling stories that go absolutely nowhere, not listening....ever, having huge dead spaces during phone calls - pretty much being the funniest human being to ever exist). It will be a thriller of a prize.

Please submit your entries here or email me at normalridings@gmail.com. Giddy up.

All Your Base Are Belong To Us

I recently watched a video on Youtube called All Your Base Belong To Us and I have to admit, it's pretty weird but I loved it. That is not a typo. It is from a Japanese video game that, in a rush to get it to America, was translated straight from Japanese, bad grammar and all. It is completely ridiculous. People who spend way too much time on the internet have made it a huge underground hit. That got me thinking about some other videos.

I spend too much time around weird people who show me weird videos on YouTube. But you know what, it's time everyone experiences the greatness of things like homestar, the grape lady, candy mountain, Charlie biting people, Afro ninja, and dramatic chipmunk, Leprechaun, and Whistle Tips. Oh yeah, let's not forget RickRolled. You will be able to detect your nerdom based on your like or dislike of these videos.

To be honest I now realize how old I am b/c I just heard of All Your Bass Are Belong To Us. It's been out for a year or more. Man! I am falling behind. Things like mortgages and babysitting are getting in the way of prime internet searching time. Back in the day I saw this stuff the day it came out. Are my friends getting more normal? Am I getting more normal??? I'm with Ben Folds on this one...it's stinks to grow up.

So, please enjoy these videos. If you haven't been to Homestarrunner before (shame on you) you need to spend 7-10 good hours watching the emails, toons, shorts, and what-not. Anything with Strong Sad or Homesar is perfect. The funny thing about these silly videos is they give you a secret language to like minded people. I talked to a waiter last week only in Strong Bad quotes. It was amazing.

Since I am now a geezer, will you please keep me informed by letting me know about the next underground hit. I want to be an early adopter again (a cool person would never use that phrase).

Dewayned!

In today's edition of "Let's Shatter Everyone's Dreams," The Consumerist reveals that the new, cheaper 3G iPhone is actually substantially more expensive in the long run than the original $399 iPhone.

(this text is from www.relevantmagazine.com)

I have a question

Is holding hands in church acceptable? I say no. What's the purpose?

Also, I am putting a stop to back rubbing, leg holding, and eye gazing during church. It's getting out of hand. You are not on a date. Stop touching and gazing, geez.

If you can't go one whole hour without contacting your significant other then I will allow you to put your arm around him/her. But anything else and I am going to get an usher to body slam you.

Consider yourself warned.

PS - I was sitting next to a couple yesterday who were holding hands and I tried to hold hands with the guy so we could be three buddies all holding hands. I wanted to be part of the group, you know? But he refused and I totally missed the point Richard was so passionately making. PDA is the devil.

Coolest Kids Ever

Last Thursday I hung out with my friends Robert, Carter, and Wynn who are the coolest guys on earth. Robert is 12, Carter is 9, and Wynn in 8 and I am their former PE teacher. Man, those were the days. I would wake up about 4 minutes before my classes started, fly to the school, and then make up some random game that they would love. You can't really mess up PE (unless a girl breaks her leg in your class and you don't believe her so you make her roll back to class...Oops).

A couple years ago I had these dudes over to my house and we played all day. Since then they've asked me everyday if they can come over again. Their parents finally gave in and they came over. It was sooooooooo much fun. I have no clue why but I love kids. Well, I love getting them sugared up, running them ragged, then handing them back over to their parents.

We got Chick-Fil-A with my roommate Shag, went bowling (i am a great bowler with gutters), went to Wal-Mart where we got TONS of candy, then came back to my house and ransacked the place. It was super awesome. I love those dudes.

So if you ever have a free day, find some overworked parents and give them a little break. Stuff is so much more fun when there are silly kids around plus they will think you are the man.

New Book

After reading about a 1200 lb man who lost 500 hundred pounds my brother in law, Kevin (Jimmy K-Co) Couch, decided he was going to write a book which will become an immediate best seller. It has one sentence:

"Stop eating, take some vitamins and metamucil, and let your body devour itself"

Maybe it was Kevin's lack of sleep due to my new niece or maybe the Ridings are a bunch of sadists but we laugh uncontrollably for a long time after this comment. What a great father's day.

Please don't mess with the Zohan.

So Adam Sandler came out with a new movie over the weekend called You Just Don't Mess With the Zohan. I need to begin by telling you that I am a huge Sandler fan. I watch Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore, Anger Management, and Billy Madison almost weekly to see if anything changes. Nothing changes; the same stuff always happens. He is a genius of hilarity and I love him but lately he has missed big time. He's been on a romantic comedy kick for a while and they haven't been good. It was soooooooooo good (teen girl squad....you need to watch it) to see Sandler getting back to his roots and making a stupid, pointless comedy.

After seeing the previews the first time I was sold. When he holds that guy by the pinky then kicks him with his feet...that was awesome. So I did something I rarely do and went to the theater tonight to see it. I never go to the movies. Then I did something I NEVER do: I walked out of the movie midway through. I think Sandler has officially forgotten how to make a good movie. It hurts to say that. It's like watching a powerful empire fall. It's never pretty. But this movie is beyond bad.

There are different kinds of dumb. There's Ace Ventura Dumb and there is Designing Women dumb. There's Anchorman dumb and there is talking-trash-during-a-church-softball-game dumb. Please Don't Mess With the Zohan reminds me of talking trash about Designing Women during a softball game. It is terrible. I asked for my money back and they wouldn't do it. So what can you do after you just wasted $7.25 (the guy thought I was in high school.....yay to no beard!)? Go to Waffle House and get some waffles and chocolate milk, duh. It was glorious.

But I don't want to end this post on a bad note....I mean, definitely don't go see the movie....instead pop in a Sandler classic and watch it for free in the comfort of your own home. Speaking of Sandler classics, what is your favorite Sandler movie and what is your favorite part? The penguin, the poo stomping, the "laying by the bay and making things out of clay", the yelling at golf balls to "go to their home", the I Feel Pretty song, the anger sharks, Steve Buscemi, the echo rooms, the ridiculous songs, Julia Gulia, the Odouls, Fooseball being the devil, the "you can do it", the smelly kid, the 30 packets of ketchup......I could go on forever. He may be done in the movie making biz but he sure has changed my life for the better. But please, dont mess with going to see the Zohan.

My Life

I'll tell you what - I have the most unique life of anyone around. Deb Mathis (top 10 coolest people I know) always laughs when she sees or hears what I am up to b/c of how ludicrous it is. Here's what's been going on lately:

I got to meet Bishop Alexis Bilindabagabo this week. He is a Bishop of the Anglican Church in Rwanda. I didn't know what a big deal he was until I met him. Apparently, he's #2 in command as being a Bishop goes in Rwanda. He has started tons of ministries, cleaned up lots of neighborhoods, and influenced a good deal of government officials. He's pretty much The Man of Rwanda. Like, you know when you tell someone you went to USC or Clemson the very next thing the person does is say, "Oh..Clemson....do you know Courtney Flowers"....and you're like "yeah, she's only 1 of 30,000 people there. we're great friends". Of course you don't know Courtney Flowers. Well, if you met someone from Rwanda and you ask them if they know Bishop Alexis they will definitely say yes. His apartment reeks of rich mahogany.

He loves the Lord big time and he has a very electric personality. He isn't afraid to speak his mind and make hard decisions. He is all about honoring God. He is pretty radical. I met him b/c Upward is thinking about going there to start a soccer (football) league and they asked me to go with them. First off, why does Upward love me? I ask this question all the time. There is no reason why Caz, Bill, or Shane should let me in the door. It's a God thing....thats the only explanation. But I love hanging out at Upward. I really do. The people there are terrific. I am now going to list who I love most there:

Just Kidding

But, number 2, why did God orchestrate a meeting between between me and an African Bishop who lost his entire family in the genocide in 1994? I have no idea. I was like a little child listening to the greatest story teller ever. It was a very powerful and encouraging meeting. I left wanting to do big things for God and not make God so small. I say I love God but do I give him the best of my day? My money? My eyes? All of my heart? Am I in constant wonderment of what God is doing? Do I try to talk about God in everyday situations? (the answer to all of those is a big, fat no). I want to answer yes. Meeting Bishop Alexis was powerful. He loves the Lord and it is contagious.

I also got to meet a lady named Dottie who works with college students in Spartanburg and she is HILARIOUS. We are leading worship together at First Pres in a few weeks for 4 and 5 year old kids so we met today to go over the songs. We ended up giving our life stories and talking about Jesus for about 2 hours and never touching our guitars. I loved it. I really did. I love meeting people who do big ministry things in Spartanburg. She is crazy and awesome.

Lastly, our softball team is in the winners bracket of the playoffs for the first time in 3 years!!!!!! Please hold you applause till the end. Tonight was the 2nd game of the playoffs; we played the #2 team (we are #3) and we won 17-5. We didn't beat them ever during the season but we have turned it on! Yes! We started the season very flat and it wasn't fun. I seriously didn't have fun playing at the beginning. But our attitudes have gotten better and we've gotten way better. It is great. I love playing softball, I love running, and I love to win. There is no team that has as much fun as us. It is great. We've come in 2nd place 2 years in a row but I believe this year is our year. We play the #1 team on Monday but if we continue playing the way we have been, we will be unstoppable. Man I love softball.

One more thing....I have been asking God to let me lead worship more and the phone has been ringing off the hook. I am playing for First Pres' kids, Junior High, and High School retreat, I'm playing at a baseball park in town this month, I'm playing in Niagara Falls in July, and at the Memorial Auditorium in Spartanburg. How about that!! What in the world is God up to? I don't know but I like it.

I think I need to be bolder in my prayers. Definitely more honest. I want God to use me big time and I want to stop choosing sin over Jesus. I want to stop being dumb. I want to make a big deal of God and not do things that make Him look dumb. I want to change.

Now Accepting Applications

I've decided it is time to begin accepting applications for my next potential girl friend. I am tired of the traditional "meet someone face to face then ask them out" thing...I figure that an interview process is much better. I thought for a while about how to best go about this and this is what I came up with:

First there will be a Pre Relationship Assessment Test (shown below) that must be completed. If you score within the designated parameters then next we'll do a few rounds of physical fitness tests that will include but will not be limited to your 40 time, Volkswagen press max, tire throw, Vienna Sausage eating contest, shin kicking abilities, and refrigerator tossing. Next will be a spelling bee then a debate against Freida Ridings on the subject "Email vs. Snail Mail and the Effects of Technology on the Post Office in the 21st Century". If you make it out of that alive then you will be forced to ride to Myrtle Beach with Ron Ridings driving without going completely crazy (he drives 55 mph the entire time and stops at every possible antique store, yard sale, or farmers market along the way turning a 4 hour drive into an 18 hour extravaganza). These tests will insure your physical and mental strength, which are essential requirements of being my arm candy.

If any applicant actually finishes this month long test then my sister will be in charge of picking the lucky winner since she is the most normal human being on the face of the earth. I figure she can spot the crazies. So, without further adieu, I give you the Pre Relationship Assessment.

Pre Relationship Assessment
(anyone who has played softball competitively, has ever had a mustache, owns over seven Vera Bradley bags, or has sunglasses that are over 8" in diameter per eye need not apply)

The following Questions are Yes/No (each worth 50 pts)

1. Can a man ever win an argument?

2. Are girls mostly illogical?

3. Is Joel a book of the Bible? If yes, for extra points, name the books before and after Joel.

4. Do you love to vacuum?

5. Are you in excess of 6' tall? If yes are you opposed to deheightening surgery?


The Following Questions are multiple choice:

1. Hypothetical Question: Let's say our 6 month anniversary is this weekend and I just got free tickets to see my favorite band on the same night. Do you:

A) Let me go....no strings attached. (100 pts)

B) Let me go but call me every 5 minutes to let me know you "love me". (3 pts)

C) Let me go with the full intent of passive aggressively reminding me daily that I shouldn't have gone. (-2 pts)

D) Don't let me go and make me commit to going on a date with you which you cancel at the last minute to hang out with your friend who just came into town. (-1000 pts)


2. We're hungry. You want to eat at:

A) Jason's Deli (0 pts)

B) Justin's Steak House (-100 pts. unless you pay which is +1000 pts)

C) Monterreys (100 pts)

D) The Beacon (1000000000 pts)


3. I haven't showered in a few days. You:

A) Are disgusted (0 pts)

B) Don't care (10 pts)

C) Make me ride in the trunk of your car (50 pts for having standards)

D) Don't even know b/c you haven't showered in weeks (-1000 pts for being gross. Only I can not shower....you need to smell good)


The Following Questions Are Either/Or

1. What makes you happier? Polka Dots or Football

2. Whats More Boring? Baseball or Any Story About Your Day

3. What's your stance on male body hair? The More the Better (that's the only logical answer)


Final Questions:

If you TiVo any of the following shows deduct 100 points per show:

1. Gilmore Girls
2. What Not To Wear
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Grey's Anatomy
5. The OC
6. Laguna Beach
7. Hanging With Mr Cooper
8. Harry and the Hendersons
9. Amazing Race

If you TiVo any of the following shows add 100 points per show:

1. Colbert Report
2. Full House
3. Seinfeld
4. Cash Cab
5. How It's Made
6. Man Vs Wild
7. Friends
8. Arrested Development
9. Dirty Jobs
10. Sports Center
11. Fresh Prince


If you own or love the following movie(s) deduct 1000 pts per movie

1. 27 Dresses
2. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
3. 13 Going On 30
4. Sweet Home Alabama
5. Steel Magnolias
6. Sleepless in Seattle
7. Anything with Bette Midler, Beonce, or Dolly Pardon in it


If you own or love the following movie(s) add 10000000 pts per movie

1. Ace Ventura
2. Dumb and Dumber
3. Dirty Work
4. Big Daddy
5. Anchorman
6. Good Will Hunting
7. Beauty and the Beast
8. Pride and Prejudice (the new one. old one deduct 10000 pts)
9. Happy Gilmore
10. Big Labowski
11. GroundHog Day
12. Home Alone 1 & 2
13. 13 going on 30 (how did that get on there)


If you can tell me where these quotes come from then you are awarded extra points (if you do not know please google or youtube them b/c you are depraved):

"Harry, I took Care of It"

"I had a doll like that once but my cat bit it's head off"

"We got stuff dumped on us/we'll never live it down/our reputations are ruined"

"You must be girls"

"Candy Mountain Charlie, Candy Mountain"

"This is Ned Schnebly"

"Ned Ryerson: Look out for that first step....it's a doosey"

"But Mooooooooooooom"


Final Question:

Do You Like Country Music?

A) Yes (No)
B) No (Yes)
C) Only stuff before before '95. Seminole Wind, Chattahoochee, Blue Moon, and Meet in the Middle are my favorites. (Yes)
D) Only new stuff. Kenny Chesney, Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood (Nope)
E) This is a trick question.....Country Music is an oxymoron (you're a dork. C was correct)


Once You have finished the Pre Relationship Assessment please turn your papers face down and feel free to talk about how awesome Hope Point is, what a great man Jack Black is, how much you love church softball, how guitar players are hot, and how eating vegetables is overrated. Thanks for participating.

The Beard Won

So I've always wanted to have tons of hair and a huge beard. What real man hasn't had that dream? I have been growing my hair for 6 months or so and the beard has been rocking for a little over 2 months. I recently looked in the mirror and realized I look terrible. Why has this always been my dream? I don't know.

Lots of funny things have been happening lately. I was walking in close proximity to a mother and her 6 or 7 year old son and when she saw me she did the double look and pulled her son closer to her side. When I went to see my sister in the hospital the first thing she said was "gross, you look terrible". Geez, do I look that bad. The answer is yes. When Harlan saw me recently he was super confused because he recognized my voice but had no idea who the cave man was. Oh, this gets me to all the things I have been called...Geico Cave Man, Jesus, Keith Green, Rambo (i wore a head band last week), Afro Ninja (i called myself that), Castaway, Grizzly Adams, Brad Pitt, and many, many others.

But I lose. The beard won. I almost past out from lack of fluids just walking outside yesterday so i cut it. I thought what a sad, pathetic man I am then i realized something - this is America. Who cares if Jeremy Bricker has the hottest beard/hair combo I have ever seen. He lives in Seattle. What's the hottest it gets there....73, 75 maybe?? This is the dirty South. We warm up around 85...max out around 118. No one in their right mind can rock the Grizzly Adams here. I did talk the big talk but in the end I fell victim to the beard. He wins. I am clean cut. I could work at Upward right now.

We documented the extravaganza tonight so you will get to enjoy all the dumb things we shaved into my face and all the hot poses I created. Those will be up one day. To all of you men (or scary women) out there who have a dream of beards and afros: I say do it! Do not tarry, least ye falter, act now or you shan't ever accomplish thy dream. I had a good run and I am not ashamed. But I am ready, with my weirdly white sectioned face, to face summer with all of my might. Bring it on South Carolina sun, bring it on.